Saturday, April 12, 2008

I can't


I can't do it anymore.
My heart is shattered. Why do you ask this of me?
Today was the most difficult service ever.
To bury someone's son is a responsibility greater than what I can bear.

I felt faint. Did you notice, Lord? Did you see Shaun's mom, dad and brothers?
Why do you think I'm strong enough? I can't do it Lord.
I almost got sick in the pulpit. Where do you expect me to find words to bring them comfort? There is no comfort. It is lost, far removed from anything we can ever say or do.

Then those words to his dad, his last words to his dad "Love you lots". Lord, when I read it, my heart shattered. All of a sudden tears streamed down my face. I don't cry Lord, you know that. I cried once for Matthew and couldn't stop. That was the last time. Why did you call me to this, Lord. Choose someone stronger, a David, a Paul.

I depend on you. Thank you for helping me through that service.

I'll pray father Martin Luther's prayer: "I am yours, save me".

Amen. I think.