Lent

Lent is always a special time in my Christian walk. On Ash Wednesday we worshipped together as a congregation, being reminded of our own brokenness and need for healing. The Lenten journey also goes hand-in-hand with the practice of Christian discipline, one of which is fasting. Fasting does not necessarily only relate to giving up a meal or food, but can be the surrender of anything. A little more about that later.

I find this year's fast extremely difficult. It has become blatantly obvious how I rationalize my commitment to God and how I negotiate His Lordship. I do not believe that I am alone in doing this, but this is why I am thankful for a season such as Lent - it is there to remind me of my dependence on God and what it means to be a Follower of Christ. Although fasting is difficult, I am reminded of the reasons for fasting:

1. It reminds us that all that we have belongs to God. We own nothing and we cannot lay claim to any privileges or amenities by virtue of our accomplishments, qualifications or identity. By surrendering something and longing for that same thing, my attention moves away from my own power to the providence of God. By fasting in this way, one becomes acutely aware of how God is at work in one's life.

2. Fasting highlights the way in which people, items or events start replacing God as Lord of our lives. How dependent am I on that which I surrendered? Can I truly not live without it?

3. Fasting reminds me that this state of voluntary need is a daily reality for many people around me. It makes me aware of needs that exist and makes me sensitive to the plight of those who find themselves in these situations.

Lent is there to refocus my relationship with God, my neighbour and myself. It is a Godly journey, and although difficult, is a journey that leads us to the empty tomb. This promise of new life has claimed victory over all that binds us and seeks to separate us from the love of God.

Pray for me as I will for you on this Lenten path.

Recommended reading

Miroslav Volf, H.B. Wright Professor of Theology at Yale Divinity School wrote an excellent little book entitled "Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture stripped of Grace".

In this book he explores our picture of God and challenges modern society to reflect deeply and discover the gift of giving and forgiving that exists within each one of us. It is his view that "We are at our human best when we give and forgive. But we live in a world in which it makes little sense to do either one."

As we embark on the Lenten journey, it will serve us well to become aware of the abundant giving and forgiving that God invests in our lives, while calling us to do the same.

Let me know what you think.

Midmar!!!

I trained for a year, reaching a level of fitness that I have probably never reached before.

This past weekend we drove down to Midmar dam in KwaZulu-Natal (about 600km's) to partake in this international open-water event. My first attempt at swimming the Midmar mile failed last year, but after swimming other races, I was determined to overcome this monster. Sunday morning was cold, about 15 degrees C. There was a light drizzle and a howling wind, which made it feel even colder. Our race was the last race of the day, the grand finale where 13-30 year olds compete.

Somehow the organizers did not manage to get around to organizing the shuttles, taking people to the start of the race, so only armed with our speedo's, about 2000 testosterone and adrenaline filled guys walked barefoot around the dam to the starting post. When we got there, we were quickly sorted into the different caps: red caps for the pro's, then blue caps, yellow caps, green caps (my group - which means we can swim a little) and then the white caps. We stood in the ice cold wind, once again, only in our costumes for about half an hour, watching the ladies (13-30 year olds) completing the event.

By now our hearts were racing, anticipating the launch of the different caps. There is something very special about hearing "Red caps - Go", then the launch of each group with only 2 minutes separating each. But this time was different.

As the last ladies left the water, a violent wind came up (wasn't me I promise!), creating waves in the dam of about half a meter high! Even the lifesavers in the paddleski's were floating way off course. Instead of letting these guys loose to attack the water, the announcement came: "Due to dangerous swimming conditions, this even has been canceled."

"What!? You've got to be kidding!"

No-one said a word. There was a group of schoolboys who came all the way from England for this event! Poor Pommies. After what felt like an eternity, one-by-one we started making our 2 km trek back to the finish-line. Some were angry, others swore and cursed the officials. Others, like me couldn't say a word and felt physically ill for the rest of the day. When we reached the end, the wind subsided and the dam was as smooth as glass - perfect conditions, but too late.

I can't remember much about my walk back to the finish line. I couldn't even feel the cold. This was the most disappointing experience of my life. Please laugh, that is the only way I can cope with it now. What makes it worse, is that this year is the last time that I could have competed in this age-group. At least, next year I don't have to prove a point to the laaities (young chaps in Afrikaans), but I can instead foster the onset of mid-life crisis.

At least I can swim the Makhulu km in Midrand on Sunday. Blessings to all while I go on Minister's retreat.

The church's lies

I preached a sermon based on Isaiah 6:1-13, 1 Corinthians 15:12-20 and Luke 5:1-11 at a retirement centre on Sunday with the above as a theme. I thought it well to publish some of the thoughts here and not on the sermon-blog. The crux of the sermon is based on the church's evangelical approach being incongruent with what we celebrate during Epiphany. So, here goes:

1. The church is lying when it sells Jesus like a neatly packaged deal.
Our faith is a faith of revelation. All that we can do is to respond in faith to God's gracious act of revelation. The kind of evangelism that knows what God looks like and what people should look like is prone to fall to its own assumptions. Christian evangelism is therefore not concerned with selling a certain brand of Jesus or Christianity, but its sole purpose is to testify to the revealed God. We believe that Jesus is the full revelation of God and therefore the mystery of Christ plays as important part of the church's proclamation as our inherited understanding of Him.

2. The church is lying when it creates a minimum requirement for membership.
Much of Christian proclamation concerns making people aware of their unworthiness. It is easy to proclaim a message of judgment, hoping that the recipient would turn in their faith. As if God needs an ego-boost!!! What about, if the church stops telling people how bad they are, and focus more on how much God loves them. People feel bad already. People need a Saviour, not a God who rubs it in. Perhaps it is easier for the church to proclaim a salvation based on condemnation, for somehow, we can't stand the thought that God would love someone else as much as what God loves me. Look at Isaiah. He stood gob smacked in God's presence. He admitted his guilt, but instead of God saying "Yes, I know and you will stay like this", he is healed and sent.

3. The church is lying when it claims that Christianity is something extra to our daily existence.
Guess what. Jesus climbed in the boat, made a difference where it mattered and spoke in images that people could understand. True Christian evangelism makes a difference where it matters, it doesn't force people to stop being them and become like "us". Were the disciples even really listening to what Jesus was saying on the shore? What turned their minds? Jesus was relevant right there!

Something for the church to think about in our witnessing. God reveals (Deus dixit for the Barthians), we respond, God loves (Incarnational), God works.

A response to Sharky

Dear Sharky

 

Thank you for your comment concerning the Methodist Church's usage of the Sacrament of Holy Communion.

 

I assume that you refer to the "exclusive" act of presiding over the sacrament by an ordained minister, because as you may know, laity celebrate the sacramant wherever it is offered.

 

I do not think that the Methodist church is exclusive to the degree that you hint at. We have, for instance, groups of lay folk who take the elements conscecrated at a communion service to those who cannot attend a Sunday Service. The "Love feast" is also practiced in the context of bible studies and the like.

 

The church, at least the Methodist Church, does not deny anyone the privilege of celebrating the sacrament. In fact, we have one of the most inclusive views on Holy Communion. Children are allowed to celebrate, and women ministers preside over the sacrament every week - something that is unheard of in many Christian circles.

 

Is the Methodist church perfect? Not by a long shot! But my sadness is that people are denied the opportunity to celebrate the sacrament, purely on the basis of venue and denominational affiliation. I also appreciate the recognition of ordination for Word and Sacrament, but this does not mean the denial of others celebrating a special event in the Church's life.

 

Just my simple response to a valid and real question. THANKS for raising this point. I will certainly look more closely at the way I serve and how I allow others their ministry.

 

Regards

Wessel

Francois Fenelon

For the past weeks I have included a quote from Francois Fenelon as a signature on all my e-mails. It reads as follows: "Be persuaded, timid soul, that He has loved you too much ever to
cease loving you.". Thanks to a member of the Barthian milieu group (Yahoo) for drawing my attention to this quote.

So, I decided to wiki old Francois. The following story fascinates me:

"When he was Almoner to Louis XIV his majesty was astonished one Sunday to find, instead of the usual crowded congregation, only himself and his attendants, the priest, and the other officers of the chapel. "What is the meaning of this?" asked the king; the prelate answered: "I caused it to be given out, that your majesty did not attend chapel to-day, in order that you might see, who came here to worship God, and who to flatter the King.""

My prayer this week is for all Christians, myself included, that our worship and service may be sincere and pleasing to God.

Thérèse of Lisieux

Therese of Lisieux is not well known, but the impact of her sincere struggle with her faith has shaped the way both Catholics and Protestants approach the topic of faith and gratitude.

Therese became a nun at a very young age, with the sole motivation of becoming holy. She did not only want to be holy, she wanted to be the most holy. She thought that the convent would provide a sanctuary where this distinct gift would find fulfillment. Very soon she realized that spiritual growth is dependent on grace. The more she tried to become holy, the further away she moved from holiness. The picture she drew of spiritual growth in the convent was that of a person climbing a staircase. It demanded effort, hard work and discipline.

She simply felt too weak for such a journey. If holiness depended on the amount of effort she put in, she would certainly not achieve it. Then they invented the elevator, and this discovery helped Therese in understanding grace. An elevator fetches people. The strong and the weak are all carried to their destination. So, God's grace also acts in a way that demands less of the individual, meaning that even the weakest in faith can experience the uplifting power of God's love. God's grace to all is therefore the "mechanism" that promotes spiritual growth.

Theresa continued on her spiritual journey, surrendering more and more of her life to the grace of God. She wrote an autobiography, translated into English as "Story of a Soul", which became her profound contribution to written theology. She died at the age of 24 from Tuberculosis.

Thanks to those at the Theological Society of South Africa for their insights and Dr Willem Nicol for his presentation.

22 January - Matthew's other birthday

Three years ago we were waiting patiently in a hospital waiting room. Matthew was being operated on at only 4 months old. The doctors swapped his aorta and pulmonary arteries and closed holes in the septum between the ventricles and atria. Matthew suffered heart-failure and needed this operation to save his life. I remember pacing the ward for the whole 8 hours. Natalie and other family were doing the same. Very little was spoken that day. I nevertheless remember thinking "Where will we be 3 years from now?". That question really got me going for hours - sifting through all the possibilities.

Well, here we are! Matt is healthy and strong! At 3 he is building 100-piece puzzles and after completing them, breaks them up and rebuilds them with the pieces facing down! He is well mannered, sensitive and appreciative of all things. Where Nathan is our little Rastafarian (see earlier post), I suppose Matt is our little Buddhist. (just joking for those who take offense).

We thank God today for our boys and their health. We give thanks for Dr. Colyn at UNITAS, who looked after Matt at all hours of the day. She remains a very good friend and Matt's favourite doctor. We give thanks for Prof. Kinsley, Drs Dansky, Mamorare and Colsen, whom through their work give support, comfort, hope and joy to many families. We give thanks to all the nursing staff who always had time to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on. Thanks God.

Right of admission reserved

I have been asked to do a wedding. The bride is a member of my church, while her husband to be is Catholic. When we met for our first interview, they expressed the wish for me to share the service with his priest. The wedding will take place in our Methodist Church. They also asked to share in the Sacrament of Holy Communion - symbolic of their first meal together.

I already anticipated difficulty in conveying these wishes to the priest. I met him this morning and had a delightful conversation, until we spoke about Communion. The priest made it quite clear that he would have difficulty in sharing in a service where Holy Communion is involved, as it would be celebrated outside a Catholic Church. I was surpised, but at the same time, not really. I know the Catholic view on Nuptual Mass, Mass per se. I respect it, but I am hurt by it.

I am hurt by the fact that the Sacrament of grace cannot find its place outside a specific environment. I am hurt by the lack of recognition that God calls all different kinds of people to minister in God's Church. I am hurt for the couple's sake, for they have to make the decision whether to forsake Communion or ask the Priest not to partake.

When the Table is closed, it is not just the Table that is unaccessible. It leads to more things. It leads to bruised relationships, disappointment and an atmosphere of caution, rather than celebration.

I pray for wisdom. And healing.

Homeland Security

A friend bought me this t-shirt. Hope you see the picture ok, otherwise go to www.tribalsovereigntees.com

Finding places

We start by looking at two of the three most beautiful people. Mainly, because I don't know how to move the photo so that I can write above it.

I any case...

I love going to Spier whenever in Cape Town. It is one of the most beautiful and peaceful places that I have ever visited. There are so many places in the Cape to visit, that if one compares it to Gauteng, it is no wonder that up here we are so busy and stressed while folk from the Cape seem a lot more relaxed.

That was until Sunday. We were invited to go to the Irene farm to have some lunch. To my surprise I found that this place had the same atmosphere as Spier. Open space, people eating, kids playing... bliss.

We have probably driven past Irene farm a million times, never bothering to go inside and take a look. Obviously some great meditation-material here. It made me think about the tendency in rushed living to miss the places of serenity and peace. In our rush, it is easy to slip past the "entrances" to being peaceful, content, the place where one can just "be". Perhaps our names should be changed from "human beings" to "human doings" as an author suggests.

This year, my aim is to be happy with where I am and what I've got. My life is fulfilled only if I accept it as such. To live this way, I believe, makes it easier to go into the places of sanctuary and to be at peace.

Here are some more photos of our time at Irene Farm.

A new year with all kinds of challenges!

Hi friends! Happy New Year!

I haven't posted for quite some time. Reason being that I have taken December and called it "Finish Your Doctorate-month". I am pleased to announce that, after hours and hours of labour, I have given birth to something new. It is a girl. Just joking. Hours and hours of labour is true. I feel that this work is something new. I would like to think of it as a little girl, but the pages are too close together to tell for sure.

This festive-season has nevertheless been a special time in our family-life. Matthew is growing and really enjoyed this Christmas. His wisdom and compassion astounds me. Natalie told him the other day to say "Thank you" whenever somebody gave him a gift. Not that we had to teach him, for he has been doing this for a long time now. It was just a reminder. She also told him about many other boys and girls that won't be getting presents over Christmas.

I didn't know about the second part until last week. Matt's new toys were lying all over the place. Walking-in from my study, with my mind buzzing with Barth's ecclesiological rhetoric, I almost slipped on this pile of toys. Frustrated, I looked at Matt and said: "In one minute I am going to take a plastic bag. I am going to take all toys that I find lying around and I am going to give them to other children!" OK, I know it wasn't the best thing to say. He calmly looked at me and said "Hey, what a good idea!" He then fetched a bag, put the toys inside, handed it to me and said "Thanks papa for taking the toys to the children". Ouch.

Who was taught a lesson? Who needs Barth when you have little 3 year olds?

Let's move on, before I fall into a state of guilt again.

Nathan is growing well. He is gaining about 300g per week, so now weighing 4.5kg. He is still a very quiet baby and laughs whenever he sees me. It must be my nose. Thanks Oupa Goewies!

Natalie is a beautiful as ever and celebrates every day as she is able to fit into her old clothes again. Nathan is sucking her dry! She will start work again in the second term, so she has a lot of time to relax, look after Nathan and make me coffee. He-he

Things are well with me. I can't wait to submit the final bound copies of my thesis! This must happen before the end of February. Until then, I will add a little here and there. It is truly a Christian thesis as the Lord is adding to its number (of pages) every day. I will also be completing my 3rd year Psychology courses and hopefully enroll for the Masters by about June.

Blessings to all and hope that 2007 treats you well.

Nathan 1 month old!

Nathan turned a month old on the 14th. It totally passed us by! Sorry Nathan. Happy mini-birthday, old chap.

Nathan is putting on a lot of weight! He now weighs 3.75kg, meaning that he has gained over a kilogram since birth! Who could blame him? His food comes in such nice containers!

I am convinced that he is not going to be a Christian, but rather a Rastafarian. He is TOTALLY laid-back and I can almost image him with a zol between the fingers. Hence, I have renamed him "Bob" (Marley). He sleeps for about 4 hours, wakes up, looks at the world, laughs, drinks, messes in his nappy and falls asleep again. He doesn't cry, but just lets us know that he needs more food. Sometimes we forget he is even there.

Matthew loves his brother to bits. He is the first to greet him in the morning, the last to say "Goodnight".

We are truly blessed!

God-complex

I know many ministers and pastors. Let us call all of them ministers for now. I am a minister myself, so what I am about to say, although generalised, speaks to me as well. I know many ministers for whom what I am about to describe is not true, but are people devout in their faith and whom I deeply respect and admire.

I am struck, listening to many colleagues (and others on TBN), how responsible ministers feel to convince people about God and the Christian faith. Before reading further, stop now and think about it for a while. My question to them is WHY?

The focus on this point is not so much the message that is declared, but the manner in which ministers tend to take responsibility for their hearers and measure their own effectiveness in ministry in numerical terms. A good service can therefore be described in terms of a good numerical response to an altar-call, the amount of tears shed during a moving sermon or prayer, even the size of a congregation.

The way many ministers take personal responsibility for the entrenching of God’s Spirit in the lives of the faithful is done to such an extent that it gives the impression that the opportunity they have been given to testify to their congregations is the only time God is able to speak to that person or group. It implies that God does not speak to the individual or congregation or society at any other point than when the minister flaps his/her gums from a nicely designed wooden- or Perspex pulpit. This is further amplified in ministers’ lack of being able to facilitate counselling sessions. Many of these events are not opportunities for people to discover their own path for recovery, but are made recipients of another sermon, or hear “What happened to me on-the-other-hand…” quickly followed by an invitation to the surrender their lives to the Lord. It is not surprising, as in my own ministerial training we had two 3-hour sessions “teaching” us how to counsel.

My question is this: I wonder if there is a common psychological profile that can be drawn up of ministers? Perhaps that will be the basis of my Psych-masters – studying ministers? It seems quite possible to me that many ministers find a natural place for control and power in the church as they recognize their own histories being riddled by a lack of control or power. This place of religious conviction and the ability and opportunity to address and influence other people then becomes so strong that no external reality to that of the institutional church is recognized or deemed to be acceptable. Prof Wessel Stoker suggested something to the same effect in his book “Is vragen naar zin vragen naar God?” – an excellent and easy-reading book and also available in English.

Does God really only speak through ministers? Further, does God only speak through ministers’ sermons and teaching? What we tend to forget is that even proclamation is a subjective and anthropocentric approach to give testimony concerning a God who is not confined to the limitations of our dimensions. Is it not arrogance to verbally declare that a specific theology or understanding of God is the full comprehension of all truth? For this reason, I struggle to listen to the convicted sermons of many, and am careful in what I say to my congregations. If ministers were the sole custodians of the declaration of the Word, then we should see much more “conversions” at Synods, Conferences, Circuit Quarterly meetings… but we don’t.

My mother is a lay-person who did not know about the two creation-narratives in Genesis until I pointed it out to her. She nevertheless acted as an instrument of God’s self-disclosure to me as a person. Not that God revealed Godself through her, but the awareness of God’s self-revelation in Jesus Christ was clear in her presence and testimony.

What is impressive is not how many people a person has “won” for the Kingdom, but how “few” people were lost to the Kingdom because of that person. You catch my drift? So what if, for example, either Benny Hinn or John Wesley is responsible for 100 000 commitments at one crusade, but puts millions off from even considering Christianity when listening to that same message? Sorry for comparing Benny Hinn to John Wesley. So, I am not impressed by names such as Webb, Graham or whatever. I may know of a few, or even many who have come to faith through their testimonies, but that is all that I’ll know.

What fascinates me is how responsible many ministers/pastors feel for a particular individual’s soul, when their primary message to the world is that a human being is unable to affect salvation, but that it is an act of grace from God. Ironic.

Do I then believe that ministry is obsolete and that ministers all need therapy. Answer: “No”, and “It wouldn’t hurt”. Ministry is an essential function. It builds community. It creates opportunities for people to be humane, and where they are already humane, even more so.

This is what I believe. I believe in God. I believe that God reveals. I believe that people are convicted of this self-revelation by the power of the Spirit. I believe that all Christians are called to testify to this act of revelation and salvation, verbally and/or non-verbally, but non-judgementally. It is God who reveals, God who convicts and God who saves, God who judges. It is the same God who revealed God-self to Abraham, Isaac and Moses before ministers and the church existed. The same God who revealed Godself through Jesus Christ and convicts through the power of the Spirit.

Then why is it that I hear ministers declaring their feelings of guilt of not taking a day off in order to be the presence of God to others? Can they not be the presence of God to others on their day off? Can it be because of a ministerial God-complex? A powerless childhood? Can ministers allow God to speak for Godself and therefore not having to parade an “answer to all situations”?

I would like to work myself out of a job, so to speak, where people can trust their own encounters with God without feeling the need for it to be validated by a person with a clerical title.

Just some mind-wandering.

Words

A short lesson from a devotional book I'm reading (Thanks Pete, it is great!):

A man walked next to the shore and found a crowd gathered close to the water. As he drew closer he saw a man in a self-made boat getting ready to row across the ocean. As he was preparing, the crowd tried to persuade him to abort his attempt. "You will never make it in that boat!", "You will burn in the sun!", "You don't have enough food" were some of the comments made. As he set off, this man ran to the water's edge, yelling "Go for it! You can make it! We are proud of you". As he turned back the crowd stood silent. They asked him "Do you seriously believe that he can make it?". He responded "I don't know, but when he is in trouble I hope that he will remember my words and not yours!".

Words have the power to motivate or to discourage. Choose your words carefully, especially as we enter this Christmas season.

On a lighter note...

We went to the Lionpark outside Krugersdorp. Here Matt and I are stroking a 3 month old lioness! What an amazing experience.

God is great! To look into the eyes of a lion while scrathing her tummy is something to behold! Just to think that we won't dare do the same to her in a year or two!

Blessingss to all as we start on the Advent journey, recognizing that the world indeed needs a saviour, but that the signs of the Kingdom are here in a little boy sitting without threat next to a lion.

Sorry for the outburst!

Apologies to God and all readers for my outburst.

God answered in the funeral service held today at the Krugersdorp-North Nederduits Herformde Kerk.

Ds. Fourie preached on Habakkuk 1 and the concluded with Habakkuk 3. If you have an Afrikaans Bible, you will find Habakkuk's complaints much better expressed than what is available in the NIV. (My opinion).

Oom George, rest in peace.

Crime Again!

I am sick of this! My wife's sister's father-in-law was killed in his house in Krugersdorp a couple of days ago.

Oom George was a wonderful man who always had a smile on his face, a joke to share and who loved his family more than anything else. He was killed a day after returning from holiday, a holiday that he enjoyed with his wife.

He probably surprised the robbers in his home, who then killed him with a hoe.

What mother's child can do such a violent thing?

This is now the second act of violent crime experienced by this family. The first was Jason, Natalie's cousin, who was shot while sleeping in his bed. They stole R3 and a broken cellphone.

Excuse me for not feeling to ministerial, but I wonder what the hell God is doing while this is taking place. A question of theodicy. Don't feel compelled to try and answer this.

Nathan - news

Tomorrow Nathan will be 2 weeks old.

He has settled in very nicely and is enjoying home. So far, he has given us more than enough opportunity to sleep. He feeds at about 10:30pm and then again at 4:00am and then every 3-4 hours.

Nathan is peaceful and does not cry much - only when he gets impatient (a trait he got from his mother).

Matthew has moved into the role of "big brother" very well. He is proud of his brother and wants to share everything from his yellow motorbike to Smarties with him. In the photo you can see the love.

Thanks for all the well-wishes and interest! We believe that with all the love shown to our boys, they will grow knowing the family that God created which extends beyond bloodlines!

Masks

Last Sunday we had Remebrance services at our church. We remembered those whom we are in relationship with, but who have parted from this life.

Our focus was on our method of remembering, or our lack thereof. So, using the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel 1, we remembered together about our remembering. It is so difficult to remember effectively sometimes,for we all have our Elkanah's, Penninah's and sometimes critical Eli's wanting to comment on how we should feel.

This poem by Chalres C. Finn proved to be helpful in creating a place where we allowed ourselves to feel what we feel:

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
By Charles C. Finn

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Hope you find it helpful too.